This and That

This or that.

Well, I wouldn't say angry… maybe just a little upset

Or…

They may say…

I am beyond angry…I am hurt…

Either way you both come out ahead BECAUSE you have a better understanding of their feelings and they feel heard and acknowledged.

2. The Why? This is usually first and foremost on their mind. For example, if you were late or if you made a promise you didn't keep or you had an affair…

They want to know why?

This is very dangerous ground if you are not in the right mindset as we discussed. You have to take responsibility for the rift! Let me say that again…You have to take responsibility for the rift.

You do this by examining your feeling or behavior that was responsible for the rift

Let's take a really tough scenario…

Let's say Carol has an affair and Tom is the one who wants to heal the relationship. Okay? It was Carol not Tom that had the affair…But, Tom is taking responsibility for the rift…

So what is the feeling and/or behavior Tom had that caused the rift. The rift that contributed to the affair.

So Tom may say…

-You must have felt (feel) so alone and unloved. (step 1) * more conversation may ensue.

-(step 2)I felt so unsecure of our financial future and unsure of my ability as a provider that I put work before our relationship…before us….before our family. I totally left you alone to fend for yourself emotionally.

NOW…IMPORTANT! What may happen at this point…is that Carol may burst into tears (and Tom too) because this is the first time she has felt heard and/or acknowledged. This may be the start of a catharsis and healing of the relationship.

No matter what happens Tom needs to continue to step 3

3. Let them know you were AFFECTED too. IMPORTANT: Not by what THEY did…but by what YOU are taking responsibility for.

From the example above:

Tom might say:

I feel so much pain and feel so guilty that I was responsible for you feeling all alone. I feel so lonely now too. My insecurity has caused the loss of my best friend, my lover and my wife.

4. Offer your apology WITHOUT DEFENSE. What does that mean? Simply to apologize expecting nothing in return. Realizing that your apology may not be enough for them. That you are vulnerable. What happens is totally up to them and okay. That they may not forgive you now or in the