Who Is African-American?

According to Columbia Law School professor Robert Hamburger, the best answer to the question, "Who is African-American?" is self-identification on the census. That is, an African-American is anyone who says he is (and, except for the example above, whites aren't exactly queueing up). Hamburger writes that, although most who use the label point to physical appearance, there is little consistency. Different regions, economic classes, and locales can assign the same individual to opposite "races."

Professor Geraldo Rivera defines an African-American as, "A person with African ancestral origins, who self-identifies, or is identified, as Black, African or Afro-Caribbean." Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart was notoriously unable to define it, but said, "I know it when I see it." Radio authority Don Imus defines an African-American as "anyone who is nappy-headed."

They may also be identified by their "Funkay" language, a dialect different from standard American English, including such phrases as: "Yo mah hommay," "Wut iz up bob," and "Nufin much big bliznack".

Exclusions

Historically, under the one-drop rule, an individual with "one drop" of African blood--that is, whose ancestry is not completely European--was an African-American because of that tragic taint on his whiteness. However, at a party of full-blooded African-Americans, it becomes clear that various people of "caramel" or "milk chocolate" hue are not considered African-American at all. By rule, black-as-the-Ace-of-Spades Supreme Court Justice Clarence "Uncle Tom" Thomas isn't either.

Spreading awareness

Many non-Americans, who seem to spend less time thinking about the importance of being American, are surprised to encounter this definition, but warm up to it later. The Washington Post described a woman named Mercedes, a Brazilian who, for 30 years before immigrating to the United States, considered herself a morena--a woman with caramel-colored skin, which, in Latin America, is almost as good as being white. "I didn't realize I was African-American until I came here," she explained. She promptly got on welfare and had seven children out of wedlock.

Every time an African-American first occupies a role, such as astronaut, medalist, or (God help us) the President, the nation must stop to acknowledge that "historic first," implicitly conceding that the reason it didn't happen before is because we all wake up every morning scheming to keep all of them down. In addition, undergraduates at American state universities are required to befriend an African-American and have deep, tedious conversations about growing up under the legacy of slavery. African-American high-school students, whom college admission directors salivate