Why I Poop

I poop because I eat. I eat like shit. I eat Taco Bell for breakfast and McDonalds for brunch. I eat Burger King for lunch. Wendy's for supper. This is why I poop. You see everyone and anyone who eats straight lard will surely poop. Some poops are brown. Some golden brown like a beautiful latina's skin. Others darker brown, like a brown crayon. Still others are blacker than the tar that was used to tar and feather the British dandies during the Revolutionary War. Still others are green. One thing I must explain is the hue of green my poops can be. Sometimes they're electric green, similar to a lime. Others they are a darker green like the foliage deep in a forest. Of course I also get red poops. Those are potentially the worst. You never know if you should go to the doctors or just stare at it some more. I always choose to stare at it longer. Doctors are expensive and it is fun to stare at red poops. Maybe it is blood in my poop. Or maybe its my organs being digested into bloody poop. Perhaps I am dying. I have been getting plenty of red poops lately. Oh no. I am most certainly dying. Yes I am dying. No I am definitely still alive. Wait, hold on a second. Yes I think I am definitely dying. Or maybe I am transcending the universe. Perhaps I am just the poop of a giant. Starting off my life as an E. Coli cell and gradually gaining mass and growing. I multiply into many E. Coli cells. Other good ingredients get added into the mix. Now we are really cooking.