Young Adult Literature

Gretchen Hawkins

Dr. Nies

ENC 2443

4/25/2017

                                                 Fight or Flight?

Darkness surrounds me and fear chases me. I am never safe. I run when I’m awake and when I’m asleep. There is no mercy. Some days I’m clawing and scratching for my dear life other days I lie down in my prison. Some days I have a choice, other days I do not. My captor is not the monster you see in your nightmares. He is the poison you are subjected to unknowingly. Every day is a game with him. Run and hide. But how can you hide from the very thing that courses through your veins and controls your every move? How do you defeat an enemy with no face? Emptiness is his sword and I am his victim.

I’m in my room when I begin to hear soft taps against my window. Sitting on my bed I reach over to peer through the blinds to find the culprit of the noise. Small tears from the puffs of marshmellow in the sky are now drowning what used to be the field outside my house. Great. Not surprising at all. Of course the weather decides to be crappy the day of the concert. The concert… I quickly squash the thought and try to replace it with a positive one. It doesn’t dissipate the growing lump in my throat. I take a quick glance at the clock when a realization hits me. I don’t have to go! I could fake a nasty stomach bug or that I forgot I had work today. Easy and done. But wait. My friends would be yet again disappointed I hadn’t bothered to show. If I keep pushing people away at this rate I’ll have no friends left eventually. This blows. What am I supposed to do? Go and risk something bad or not go and be safe? This light inside me says go while the emptiness inside begs me to stay. I shut my eyes, grit my teeth, and make my decision. I’m going.

Now a part of me recognizes my own insanity. Am I just being melodramatic? Or is the universe telling me not to go? At that note, I mentally press the off button to my thoughts and walk downstairs and grab the car keys. I half walk half stumble into my parents’ bedroom where I find my mom reading yet another historical novel in her usual spot on the bed. It takes a throaty noise that kind of sounds like I’m choking to grab her attention. She looks up and gives me a warm knowing smile. My mom. My greatest supporter yet my greatest enemy. When I told her about the concert I instantly knew it was a mistake. She was excited that I was finally going out and trying to “socialize”. Ugh gross. Pulling me from my thoughts she says,

“You ready?”

With clear uncertainty in my voice I respond, “I guess.”

        By the time we pull up to the front of the church I feel as though a heart attack is going to strike at any moment and kill me. I get out of the car and I’m surprised when I don’t pass out. Hey, maybe this won’t be so bad!

        “Unlikely”, snickers the devil on my shoulder.

I spot my friends in the parking lot and mentally flick the little devil off my shoulder trying to shrug off any negative feelings. As I approached them I’m greeted with the usual jokes and remarks. Everything is going normal and I’m even beginning to relax a little when Ellie says,