Life-Changing Decision

My dear friend Kevin solicited my advice on an important decision he is currently facing, which will have a major impact on his career and personal life. Having just finished my Leadership and Development course, I asked Kevin if he would mind if we videotaped our conversations surrounding this life-changing decision. He agreed.

Kevin has lived in New Jersey his entire life. He and his wife have a five- year old son and a newborn daughter. Unfortunately, Kevin lost his job approximately six months ago and hasn’t had much luck finding a new one. Just recently, however, a highly regarded company in his industry extended Kevin a job offer. While this is wonderful news, the job is based in Texas, and the salary is less than his previous pay. Kevin has been agonizing over whether he should accept the job and hence, sought my assistance in helping him make a decision.

During my first conversation with Kevin, I made a concerted effort to be a good listener by applying reflection techniques. In doing so, my goal was to stay silent for as long as possible and only use nonverbal communication skills. I wanted to ensure that Kevin knew I was actively listening. Periodically, I would paraphrase what Kevin had said, consolidate his key ideas, and ask clarifying questions when I was not exactly sure about the message he was trying to convey.

My initial assessment of the first conversation between Kevin and me was positive. My nonverbal communication skills were very effective. I attentively leaned forward during our exchange, yet kept enough distance so as to not infringe upon his personal space. We maintained good eye contact throughout our conversation and, from time to time, I nodded my head or exhibited small facial expressions to indicate that I was actively listening.

Unfortunately, when it came time for me to speak, the conversation went awry. Prior to even having my discussion with Kevin, I prematurely concluded that if Kevin accepted the job offer and moved to Texas, it would be detrimental to his career and would wreak havoc on his personal life. For example, I assumed that Kevin wanted to continue living in New Jersey near his parents. Little did I know, Kevin’s parents had recently retired and were also considering moving to Texas. Therefore, when it came time for me to paraphrase his key ideas, due to my own misconceptions, I consistently paraphrased what I wanted to hear as opposed to what he was actually saying. In an attempt to correct me, Kevin would interject and re-paraphrase what he had intended to say. This back and forth dialogue between Kevin and me led to