Satirical Essay on the Age of Smoking

satirical essay

On the age of smoking

Tobacco is great. The previous sentence is what's known as an extreme understatement. Not many people are aware, but humans have been smoking tobacco for millions of years. All the way back to the Ancient Mayans who had depictions of smoking tobacco out of a pipe in their temples dating back to in the A.D. times. Since then it has arguably been man's best friend even more so than dogs. It has been used in lord knows how many religious ceremonies, and was even used as a medicine for many illnesses by many cultures. Now how could anything ancient peoples used as a medicine be bad for you. The ancient romans used electric sting rays as treatment for joint pain and tooth aches and apparently that worked great. So why is it that you have to be 18 to smoke? You look cool doing it, it's relaxing, and in general it's just good for you.

Now when I say you look cool doing it I mean super cool. Like Fonzie cool. There's just no comparison. Say your kind of a wallflower. Your at a party and you're just doing what wallflowers do best, you know standing against the wall not doing anything really. You're self esteem just isn't very high. If you pull out a cigarette and light one up inside that house, your self esteem will probably never be low again. As soon as you light that cigarette people will just flock to you, wether your a boy or a girl or both or neither, tons of people will come up to you and straight up just tell you your the coolest. You could look like a troll doll with cystic acne but once people smell that delicious smoke on your breath your a knock out. But not if your under 18, no noooo. If your under 18 it's illegal, and people will probably just tell you to put it out. So what are the late bloomers supposed to do? Just go through high school lonely? No! Stand up for your right wallflowers, and never wilt when you have the chance to be cool and it only costs $5 on average. A 14 year old should be able to do that honestly, because no one deserves to be lonely.

Let's take it down a notch from the intensity of the wallflower revolution. Just take some time to chill out a bit. You know what would be perfect to help you chill out. A cigarette. It's scientifically proven that smoking helps you relax, wether it the wacky tobaccy, or just good ol' cigarettes. Now where it's