Emotions Revealed

I guess it hurts me to express myself with words, because you never care enough to listen to whatever I have to say. You are the man I am in love with, so it makes everything so much harder because I have been quiet these last few days. I know you don’t like it, because you aren’t used to this side of me. I have so many things going on in my head, because I have lots to deal with in my life right now and don’t know how everything is going to play out.

Why must you always doubt me, and question what I say? I opened up about the one thing I hated keeping from you. What I was keeping from you was about me and something I chose to do, my personal choice and I just thought if I told you I didn’t have that in my life anymore I would have had a better chance of being serious with you, like I wanted. I wasn’t lying about what I really cared for- I didn’t want anything more than to be with you, and when we were together I had no care or urge for it, I really only did it to be able to function every day. I never had time to be able to overcome it, because I have nobody to help me with my kids. They couldnt take care of themselves if I slept or was comatose for days or maybe weeks if I wanted to stop. But that didn’t mean I liked it and wanted it, because I have plans and it includes a life without it, and I will one day have that life. My perfect life wont happen in a day, but it will happen slowly, little by little, as I am taking the necessary steps to achieve that life I want for me and my kids. I wanted you to see that too, and that’s why I chose to tell you- because I should have never been dishonest with you, because I was also lying to myself by trying to change who I was just to be with you. And it did no good because you still didn’t want to be with me, and really our relationship only suffered worse each day. I don’t know if it would have been any better if I never lied about it, but we will never know so I cant live wondering