Is It Addiction to Love or Disease to Please?

Is it Addiction to Love or Disease to Please?

Key words: codependence, personality, self, early childhood

The codependency concept initially originated and evolved within the field of addictions (Hands and Dear, 1995). And in recent years, there has been some increasing interest in using it to bridge the gap between additive behaviors, their impact on family members, and systemic analysis about family dysfunction. As a result, term ‘codependence’ prominences in the filed of mental health (Hogg & Frank, 1992). Cermak (1986) proposes that codependence is both a legitimate psychological concept and an important human disorder, in which symptom includes external focus, excessive caring for others and difficulty in identifying the true self. By studying theory of codependency, I have introspected a lot, finding that some of my own personality traits fit well with the description of ‘codependency’. The project will be divided into four parts. Firstly, the project starts with the introduction and distinction of two co-related terms: love addition and codependence disease, with illustration of my own love experience during adolescence. Then, it comes to analysis the manifestation of codependence behaviors, especially related to the term of shame and dissociated self. Thirdly, this project will explore how children’s experience during early childhood impacts his or her disposition of being ‘codependent’. Finally, several critical approaches to the theory will be presented.

In Women who love too much (1985), Robin Norwood describes women who gain their sense of mission by loving broken, emotionally needy man at expense of self-sacrifice and who blur the boundary of romantic love and suffering itself. She also notes that sometimes, it is through over-involvement in a one-sided, even destructive relation can women achieve sense of control and strength (ibid.).

That makes me connect with my own experience. Adam and I fell in love in high school. He was such a hot, smart guy, with bundles of admires, while I was just an ordinary, plain-looking girl. Every minute I loved him, I felt fear to lose him. I could not convince myself that men like him would love me for my beauty or talent. I was really afraid of be abandoned. My only defense was to try to make him like me for other reasons. I was willing to do anything for him. I cleaned his room, made lunch for him everyday, and cheered for him during his every basketball game, never absent. I’ve almost given up all my personal time to do things for him. Eventually, I did not even wait for him to ask for something, I figured out what he might want, and gave it to him. Because only by giving could I feel useful and justified my own existence. Gaining Adam’s approval for me is my only way to achieve self-esteem and self-actualization.

However, it turned out that my ‘niceness’